Some more holiday cheer (2007)

Hilarious rendition of the classic Three Little Pigs - and just in time for Xmas!! (not recommended for the kiddies, yikes... :-)

Click here for the animated Xmas special, Three Little Santas

(it's only 3.5mb, but may take a wee bit to download - promise it's worth the wait!)

This little animation is hilarious, enjoy!
And - M-E-R-R-Y

Xmas!!!

A Helping of Xmas Humor (1998, 2005)

1998







1998







1998







2005

Remember Y2K??? Read on for the Etch-A-Sketch solution to all of your problems... well, almost... (1998)

Many corporations have defined a lower cost alternative for NT conversions
that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by August, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
there are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

The Day Microsoft Makes Something That Doesn't... (1998)

"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the
day they start making vacuum cleaners"


Ernst Jan Plugge

The Super Efficient Microsoft Enabled Vehicle... (1998)

> Subject: FW: $25 car
>
> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM kept up with
> technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving $25 cars
> that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
>
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
> stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
> driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
>
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to
> buy a new car.
>
> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
> you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
>
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have
> to reinstall the engine.
>
> 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
> "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
>
> 6. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
> times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
> the roads.
>
> 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
> replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
>
> 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
>
> 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
> 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
> and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle, turn the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
> 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
> Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
> need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
> immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
> Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
> Department.
>
> 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to
> learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
> operate in the same manner as the old car.
>
> 13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

Money changes everything... (1998)

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no f***ing problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damned bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

39 Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know (1998)

1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.
39. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.