(A super geeky very Jewish piece that made the rounds in mid 1998)
And it came to pass after these things that God did test Avraham.
And He said to him "Avraham!" And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am"
And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286 ; and
install upon it an operating system, a new operating system,
Windows95, which I will show to you."
And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He
loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he
took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose
up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows95.
Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows95 from afar.
And Avraham said to his young men, "stay here with the ass; and I and
the lad will go yonder and load Windows95 on our 286, and come again to you"
And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it
on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.
And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father, and said,"My father".
And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son".
And Yitzchak said,"Windows95 requires far more memory than a 286 has,
how will it possibly run on your machine?"
And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he
shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust
and belief in the Almighty, he said,
"Fear not Yitzchak my son. . . . God will provide the RAM."
Monday, October 29, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Straight Talk on Finance... (1998)
[This is a set of questions that my friend was going to have
on a midterm in a class on portfolio's. Here are the answers...]
Ask Mr. Smartass, the Investment Wizard...
Q) Small caps vs Large caps: What can an investor expect from the two
categories? When would you want to invest in one vs. the other?
A) If you want your money to wallow in the sluggish pace of the
over-heated market and be able to talk about stocks with dinner party
guests, invest in large caps. You can feel like a stud, saying you own
Coke or AT&T, and people will admire you for being a savvy investor,
even though you have taken your children's rightful inheritance and sunk
it into a no-growth stock with a P/E equivalent to an average team score
of an NBA game.
If you want your cash to go to work for you and desire the opportunity
to make real money, invest in small caps. With a little bit of
analytical common sense (in other words, don't be a moron), you can
pick up unknown, undervalued companies and watch the price shoot through
the roof as "Wall Street Wizbangs" take their eyes off trendy tech
stocks featured on CNBC and notice these great bargains with great
potential.
The Bottom Line: Large caps are like fat sows - they can't get any
fatter or they will explode, right along with your portfolio. Small
caps are like malnourished sows - as soon as the hungry beast finds the
Wall Street feeding trough, watch your investment expand.
Q) Briefly explain the differences between the Dow, S&P 500, and the
NASDAQ: The nature of the indexes and how they differ.
A)There is a tremendous amount of history associated with the Dow. The
Dow is an index of a 30 industrial giants. It was created by Dow Jones
& Co. during the early part of this century, when much of America still
thought the world was flat. The number has very little meaning except
that it gives the average American a way to feel like they are part of
the excitement of the Market:
Man on the street: "Did you see the Dow today?"
Other man on the street: "Yes, 80 points! Can you believe it?"
Man on the street: "Amazing!"
As you can see from the above stereotypical conversation, neither man
really knows what they are talking about, but the sense of camaraderie is
clearly evident. Also significant is that 9 times out of 10, neither
man owns any stock and is completely unaffected by any change in the
Dow, large or small.
The S&P 500 is a tool created and used by Human Resource Departments at
finance companies to determine the size of the bonuses to tack onto the
6 and 7 digit salaries given to our nation's portfolio managers. This
index of 500 stocks is selected at random by HR representatives though
an interface with their employee tracking systems. They choose the
stocks based on whim or fancy, sort of like our salaries and other
benefits. At the end of the year, when they are deciding bonuses for
fund managers, they take the difference between the return of the index
and the fund manager's performance, and enter it into the following
equation:
Bonus = ([1-{R/4*e-X}+$75*n/6.3mm]/Q-M1*Z]+1/0)
where R = S&P return, e-X is a formulation having to do with the salary,
n = some kind of number, and the other letters are system derived
integers or something. This way, the amount of money given to these
guys for returns that were worse than what a monkey could have done with
a randomly generated portfolio can be scientifically justified.
NASDAQ is an index used to divert the attention of investors in national
market system stocks so they will not notice that the market makers have
stuck a 3/4 point spread into the stock. The wide swings of this index,
often shown on glitzy CNBC primetime "Tech Stock Mania" shows, gets the
NASDAQ investor used to seeing large differences in numbers, such as
between the bid and the ask.
Q) General thoughts on risk/reward trade-offs when constructing a
portfolio.
A) The risk/reward ratio is a direct correlation between the
intelligence of the investor and how much he will have at the end of the
year. It is like getting into a car with a drunk behind the wheel - the
more booze the drunk has guzzled (the less intelligent the investor),
the less chance you will get home with your innards intact (less chance
of having a net worth after the margin collection department gets
through with you). Let's face it - putting money into this overheated
market IS like getting into a car with someone who has had a bit to
drink. Investing smart is picking a driver who thinks O'Doules is real
beer.
Analogous Booze/Stock Chart:
Jack Daniel's = Tech stock featured on CNBC
Vodka = Asian Company (any company)
Red Dog = Mercury Finance, Centennial Technology
Schlitz = Bradlee's
Pabst = Cityscape Financial
Busch Light Draft = Quality Semiconductor
Budweiser = This stuff sucks too much to be correlated to any company
Wine Coolers = USA Detergents, PLC Systems (might make it home on these)
O'Doule's = Cellstar
Play it smart and at the end of the year, you will be able to convert a
few unrealized gains into a few pints of Guinness. And don't forget to
treat a friend.
on a midterm in a class on portfolio's. Here are the answers...]
Ask Mr. Smartass, the Investment Wizard...
Q) Small caps vs Large caps: What can an investor expect from the two
categories? When would you want to invest in one vs. the other?
A) If you want your money to wallow in the sluggish pace of the
over-heated market and be able to talk about stocks with dinner party
guests, invest in large caps. You can feel like a stud, saying you own
Coke or AT&T, and people will admire you for being a savvy investor,
even though you have taken your children's rightful inheritance and sunk
it into a no-growth stock with a P/E equivalent to an average team score
of an NBA game.
If you want your cash to go to work for you and desire the opportunity
to make real money, invest in small caps. With a little bit of
analytical common sense (in other words, don't be a moron), you can
pick up unknown, undervalued companies and watch the price shoot through
the roof as "Wall Street Wizbangs" take their eyes off trendy tech
stocks featured on CNBC and notice these great bargains with great
potential.
The Bottom Line: Large caps are like fat sows - they can't get any
fatter or they will explode, right along with your portfolio. Small
caps are like malnourished sows - as soon as the hungry beast finds the
Wall Street feeding trough, watch your investment expand.
Q) Briefly explain the differences between the Dow, S&P 500, and the
NASDAQ: The nature of the indexes and how they differ.
A)There is a tremendous amount of history associated with the Dow. The
Dow is an index of a 30 industrial giants. It was created by Dow Jones
& Co. during the early part of this century, when much of America still
thought the world was flat. The number has very little meaning except
that it gives the average American a way to feel like they are part of
the excitement of the Market:
Man on the street: "Did you see the Dow today?"
Other man on the street: "Yes, 80 points! Can you believe it?"
Man on the street: "Amazing!"
As you can see from the above stereotypical conversation, neither man
really knows what they are talking about, but the sense of camaraderie is
clearly evident. Also significant is that 9 times out of 10, neither
man owns any stock and is completely unaffected by any change in the
Dow, large or small.
The S&P 500 is a tool created and used by Human Resource Departments at
finance companies to determine the size of the bonuses to tack onto the
6 and 7 digit salaries given to our nation's portfolio managers. This
index of 500 stocks is selected at random by HR representatives though
an interface with their employee tracking systems. They choose the
stocks based on whim or fancy, sort of like our salaries and other
benefits. At the end of the year, when they are deciding bonuses for
fund managers, they take the difference between the return of the index
and the fund manager's performance, and enter it into the following
equation:
Bonus = ([1-{R/4*e-X}+$75*n/6.3mm]/Q-M1*Z]+1/0)
where R = S&P return, e-X is a formulation having to do with the salary,
n = some kind of number, and the other letters are system derived
integers or something. This way, the amount of money given to these
guys for returns that were worse than what a monkey could have done with
a randomly generated portfolio can be scientifically justified.
NASDAQ is an index used to divert the attention of investors in national
market system stocks so they will not notice that the market makers have
stuck a 3/4 point spread into the stock. The wide swings of this index,
often shown on glitzy CNBC primetime "Tech Stock Mania" shows, gets the
NASDAQ investor used to seeing large differences in numbers, such as
between the bid and the ask.
Q) General thoughts on risk/reward trade-offs when constructing a
portfolio.
A) The risk/reward ratio is a direct correlation between the
intelligence of the investor and how much he will have at the end of the
year. It is like getting into a car with a drunk behind the wheel - the
more booze the drunk has guzzled (the less intelligent the investor),
the less chance you will get home with your innards intact (less chance
of having a net worth after the margin collection department gets
through with you). Let's face it - putting money into this overheated
market IS like getting into a car with someone who has had a bit to
drink. Investing smart is picking a driver who thinks O'Doules is real
beer.
Analogous Booze/Stock Chart:
Jack Daniel's = Tech stock featured on CNBC
Vodka = Asian Company (any company)
Red Dog = Mercury Finance, Centennial Technology
Schlitz = Bradlee's
Pabst = Cityscape Financial
Busch Light Draft = Quality Semiconductor
Budweiser = This stuff sucks too much to be correlated to any company
Wine Coolers = USA Detergents, PLC Systems (might make it home on these)
O'Doule's = Cellstar
Play it smart and at the end of the year, you will be able to convert a
few unrealized gains into a few pints of Guinness. And don't forget to
treat a friend.
Lincoln and Kennedy (1998)
(Have a little patience...this is good...)
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And last but not least,
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And last but not least,
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Aunt Ada's Rules for Jewish Living (1998)
Aunt Ada's Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors
d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may
be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's
loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you
can,
make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good
parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose
job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created
Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye
and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
milk of
magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice
cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big cadillac and
eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up
and
tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at
around age 45...
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors
d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may
be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's
loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you
can,
make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good
parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose
job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created
Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye
and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
milk of
magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice
cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big cadillac and
eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up
and
tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at
around age 45...
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Things to Ponder (1998)
THINGS TO PONDER
----------------
1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
5.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
9. Do married people live longer than single people or does
it just SEEM longer?
10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?
14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Dialogue with Moses (warning - very Jewish...! :-) (1998)
A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....
G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a
calf in its mother's milk. It
is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat
together.
G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we
should wait six hours after
eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's
milk!!!
M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean
is we should have a
separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we
make a mistake we have to
bury that dish outside....
G: Moses, do whatever the hell you want.......
G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a
calf in its mother's milk. It
is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat
together.
G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we
should wait six hours after
eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's
milk!!!
M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean
is we should have a
separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we
make a mistake we have to
bury that dish outside....
G: Moses, do whatever the hell you want.......
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Today's Vintage Internet Humor is brought to you by the letter "F" :-) (1998)
Today's upload is an audio segment, a little over two minutes long, that will truly have you rolling on the floor...it' a great little piece on the most famous, infamous and frequently used word in the English language - aw, f#$% it - just listen up!
Audio - the F Word
Audio - the F Word
Friday, October 12, 2012
Sadaam's Dream (1998)
(this joke is also from 1998)
Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of
America,
and it was beautiful and all top of every building, there was a flag."
Clinton said:"Saddam, what flag was that?"
Saddam said: "It was the flag of the glorious country of Iraq of course".
Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called because last
night I also had a dream. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more
beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt. And just
like in your dream, there was a flag on every building."
Saddam said: "Oh yeah Bill, so what did these flags say?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know, Saddam , I can't read Hebrew!"
Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of
America,
and it was beautiful and all top of every building, there was a flag."
Clinton said:"Saddam, what flag was that?"
Saddam said: "It was the flag of the glorious country of Iraq of course".
Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called because last
night I also had a dream. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more
beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt. And just
like in your dream, there was a flag on every building."
Saddam said: "Oh yeah Bill, so what did these flags say?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know, Saddam , I can't read Hebrew!"
Clinton and Liberty (1998)
(He was always a naughty boy...but don't we all miss him?? Ok, some of us do... This image made the rounds in March of 1998.)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Survey (1997)
(In the early days on the 'Net text was frequently key; apparently the following really did come off of the McDonnell Douglas site...)
> This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
> Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.
> The company, of course, does not - and made the web department
> take it down immediately.
>
> **************************************************************
>
> Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
> In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
> moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
>
> Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
> information will help us to develop new products that best meet
> your needs and desires.
>
> 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
> [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
>
> First Name: ...........................................
>
> Initial: ..
>
> Last Name: ............................................
>
> Password: ........ (max 8 char)
>
> Code Name: ............................................
>
> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........ ........ .......
>
> 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
> [_] F-14 Tomcat
> [_] F-15 Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon
> [_] F-117A Stealth
> [_] Classified
>
> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..
>
> 4. Serial Number: .....................................
>
> 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
> [_] Received as gift / aid package
> [_] Catalog showroom
> [_] Independent arms broker
> [_] Mail order
> [_] Discount store
> [_] Government surplus
> [_] Classified
>
> 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
> product you have just purchased:
> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
> [_] Store display
> [_] Espionage
> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
> [_] Was attacked by one
>
> 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
> decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
> [_] Style / appearance
> [_] Speed / maneuverability
> [_] Price / value
> [_] Comfort / convenience
> [_] Kickback / bribe
> [_] Recommended by salesperson
> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
> [_] Backroom politics
> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>
> 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
> [_] North America
> [_] Central / South America
> [_] Aircraft carrier
> [_] Europe
> [_] Middle East
> [_] Africa
> [_] Asia / Far East
> [_] Misc. Third World countries
> [_] Classified
>
> 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
> purchase in the near future:
> [_] Color TV
> [_] VCR
> [_] ICBM
> [_] Killer Satellite
> [_] CD Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
> [_] Space Shuttle
> [_] Home Computer
> [_] Nuclear Weapon
>
> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check
> all that apply):
> [_] Communist / Socialist
> [_] Terrorist
> [_] Crazed
> [_] Neutral
> [_] Democratic
> [_] Dictatorship
> [_] Corrupt
> [_] Primitive / Tribal
>
> 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
> [_] Deficit spending
> [_] Cash
> [_] Suitcases of cocaine
> [_] Oil revenues
> [_] Personal check
> [_] Credit card
> [_] Ransom money
> [_] Traveler's check
>
> 12. Your occupation:
> [_] Homemaker
> [_] Sales / marketing
> [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical
> [_] Mercenary
> [_] Tyrant
> [_] Middle management
> [_] Eccentric billionaire
> [_] Defense Minister / General
> [_] Retired
> [_] Student
>
> 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
> indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
> spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
> [_] Golf
> [_] Boating / sailing
> [_] Sabotage
> [_] Running / jogging
> [_] Propaganda / disinformation
> [_] Destabilization / overthrow
> [_] Default on loans
> [_] Gardening
> [_] Crafts
> [_] Black market / smuggling
> [_] Collectibles / collections
> [_] Watching sports on TV
> [_] Wines
> [_] Interrogation / torture
> [_] Household pets
> [_] Crushing rebellions
> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
> [_] Fashion clothing
> [_] Border disputes
> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
>
> Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
> Your answers will be used in market studies that will help
> McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as
> allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other
> companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
> consortia.
>
> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write
> to:
>
> McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
> Marketing Department
> Military Aerospace Division
> P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
>
> This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
> Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.
> The company, of course, does not - and made the web department
> take it down immediately.
>
> **************************************************************
>
> Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
> In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
> moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
>
> Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
> information will help us to develop new products that best meet
> your needs and desires.
>
> 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
> [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
>
> First Name: ...........................................
>
> Initial: ..
>
> Last Name: ............................................
>
> Password: ........ (max 8 char)
>
> Code Name: ............................................
>
> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........ ........ .......
>
> 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
> [_] F-14 Tomcat
> [_] F-15 Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon
> [_] F-117A Stealth
> [_] Classified
>
> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..
>
> 4. Serial Number: .....................................
>
> 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
> [_] Received as gift / aid package
> [_] Catalog showroom
> [_] Independent arms broker
> [_] Mail order
> [_] Discount store
> [_] Government surplus
> [_] Classified
>
> 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
> product you have just purchased:
> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
> [_] Store display
> [_] Espionage
> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
> [_] Was attacked by one
>
> 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
> decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
> [_] Style / appearance
> [_] Speed / maneuverability
> [_] Price / value
> [_] Comfort / convenience
> [_] Kickback / bribe
> [_] Recommended by salesperson
> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
> [_] Backroom politics
> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>
> 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
> [_] North America
> [_] Central / South America
> [_] Aircraft carrier
> [_] Europe
> [_] Middle East
> [_] Africa
> [_] Asia / Far East
> [_] Misc. Third World countries
> [_] Classified
>
> 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
> purchase in the near future:
> [_] Color TV
> [_] VCR
> [_] ICBM
> [_] Killer Satellite
> [_] CD Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
> [_] Space Shuttle
> [_] Home Computer
> [_] Nuclear Weapon
>
> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check
> all that apply):
> [_] Communist / Socialist
> [_] Terrorist
> [_] Crazed
> [_] Neutral
> [_] Democratic
> [_] Dictatorship
> [_] Corrupt
> [_] Primitive / Tribal
>
> 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
> [_] Deficit spending
> [_] Cash
> [_] Suitcases of cocaine
> [_] Oil revenues
> [_] Personal check
> [_] Credit card
> [_] Ransom money
> [_] Traveler's check
>
> 12. Your occupation:
> [_] Homemaker
> [_] Sales / marketing
> [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical
> [_] Mercenary
> [_] Tyrant
> [_] Middle management
> [_] Eccentric billionaire
> [_] Defense Minister / General
> [_] Retired
> [_] Student
>
> 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
> indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
> spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
> [_] Golf
> [_] Boating / sailing
> [_] Sabotage
> [_] Running / jogging
> [_] Propaganda / disinformation
> [_] Destabilization / overthrow
> [_] Default on loans
> [_] Gardening
> [_] Crafts
> [_] Black market / smuggling
> [_] Collectibles / collections
> [_] Watching sports on TV
> [_] Wines
> [_] Interrogation / torture
> [_] Household pets
> [_] Crushing rebellions
> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
> [_] Fashion clothing
> [_] Border disputes
> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
>
> Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
> Your answers will be used in market studies that will help
> McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as
> allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other
> companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
> consortia.
>
> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write
> to:
>
> McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
> Marketing Department
> Military Aerospace Division
> P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
>
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Monica Lewinsky Barbie Doll (1998)
I just love Bubba, I do, and hell, I wish there was a way to bring him back... (too bad there ain't no WJC Jr. ha ha...) - but that whole Monica Lewinsky debacle, it was completely tasteless, and he never should have lied! An appropriate response would have been anything along the lines of "It ain't none of your fuckin' business, Mr. reporter whatever-your-name-is..."
If you didn't see the Lewinsky Barbie then - it's a keeper!
If you didn't see the Lewinsky Barbie then - it's a keeper!
MYASS - Millennia Year Application Software System (1997)
(note: myass - Originally circulated end of 1997; we were all deeply concerned about the Y2K bug (aka farce...) at the time - quite a few people managed to cash in on that as well...)
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
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