39 Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know (1998)

1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.
39. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.

Busted!! Great Radio Skit... (1998)

Too good to be true...very sad that it was...

Click here to listen in and enjoy.

Big Balls... (1998)

Originally circulated as "Viagra" - these guys have some BIG balls, wouldn't want to be lugging those around anywhere...

ROTFL Funny One Liners from some Great Comedians (1998)

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster than you is a moron."

   - George Carlin



"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five

miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is."

   - Ellen DeGeneris



"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

   - Carol Leifer



"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in

business."

   - Shelley Berman



"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the

Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.

Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."

   - Billiam Coronel



"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

helmets."

   - Dave Edison



"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

   - Steve Bluestone



"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

   - Rita Rudner



"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a

bank robbery has just taken place."

   - Johnny Carson



"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a

rock."

   - Will Rogers



"Never moon a werewolf."

   - Mike Binder

If you're 50+ (originally...40+) (1998)

(times they are a'changin'...originally published in 1998 for the then 40-plusers, had to adjust to 50+ to stay timely - gladly ain't there yet, but it ain't a long time a'comin...enjoy...)

If you're 50+...

We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.

We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and
ball- point pens. Before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man
walked on the moon. We got married first--and then lived together. How
quaint can you be?

In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".
Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer
jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins. We
thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was
the back of the Riviera Theatre. We were before house-husbands, gay
rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages. We were
before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We never
heard of FM radio,tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts,
wordprocessors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings. For us, time
sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or condominiums; a "chip"
meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't
even a word!

In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred
to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee
were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent
stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. You could buy
ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride
a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail
one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for
$600.... but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11
cents a gallon.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable.
GRASS was mowed.
COKE was a cold drink.
POT was something you cooked in.
ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and
AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was
discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with
what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to
think you needed a husband to have a baby.