ROTFL Funny One Liners from some Great Comedians (1998)

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster than you is a moron."

   - George Carlin



"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five

miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is."

   - Ellen DeGeneris



"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

   - Carol Leifer



"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in

business."

   - Shelley Berman



"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the

Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.

Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."

   - Billiam Coronel



"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

helmets."

   - Dave Edison



"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

   - Steve Bluestone



"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

   - Rita Rudner



"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a

bank robbery has just taken place."

   - Johnny Carson



"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a

rock."

   - Will Rogers



"Never moon a werewolf."

   - Mike Binder